Nov. 3rd, 2015 11:02 pm

Love is...

supercess: (shades)
[personal profile] supercess
Pairing: Matsumiya
Genre: I don't know. Sad?
Rating: G
Length: 1,208 words
Summary: What is love?
A/N: Wrote this for a day and I rarely finish a fic in a day so don't expect too much. :) This is basically a drabble and also a new kind of writing style that I think I haven't done before? Also because of [ profile] ninonanoni_0617 again piece of shit enjoy. :P

What is Love?

It’s his perfectionist personality and his attention to every detail. It’s his stubbornness in doing the things that he wanted to do. It’s his stoic way of doing things while making sure that he’s the best version of himself. It’s also his weird habit of talking to himself. It’s the way he wore his clothes and the way he presented himself in it. It’s the way he gets angry when teased by the other members with the exception of one. It’s his shy smile when it came to that one person.

It was all these and more. He knew for a fact that there were so many things that defined love.

“Should I do it like this? Ah but it should be like this—”
“You’re being cute again. Do you want my help?”
“…shut up.”
“Alright, fine.”
“Shut up.”

He could hear the buzzing thoughts in his mind as he sat on the couch, the quiet enveloping him in a tight hug that doesn’t want to let go. He balled his hands into a fist, wanting to prolong the warmth that was there just a moment ago. The warmth that he was so accustomed to having but now gone because of a reason that he didn’t understand.


“Should it be like this? Ah, but this feels better…”
“…can you please stop talking to yourself for a bit? As much as I want to help, I’m also trying to memorize my lines.”
“Oh. Sorry. …you know I can’t help it.”
“Of course.”

“At which point would you know if you’ve fallen in love?” It was a question that came up earlier that night. Jun had a vague idea. All he knew was that his lover saw stars in his eyes. He knew that he made his partner’s heart flutter and took his breath away whenever they were together. It was acceptance of flaws and still finding something to fall in love with despite it all. That’s love. Love was a glorious feeling. It was something that refused to leave and demanded to be felt.

“You cleaned up the place again, didn’t you?”
“I did. Don’t worry, I didn’t throw your games, I just arranged them. They’re over there.”
“I noticed. I just panic when I don’t see them in their usual spot.”
“I know but it’s an eyesore sometimes. If you arrange them, I promise I won’t touch them.”
“…You still will, won’t you?”
“Your stubbornness is top-notch.”
“If you just—”
“Alright, alright. I’ll put them away next time, okay?”
“Thank you.”
“I don’t know if you’re cute or infuriating.”
“Go with handsome.”
“Of course. Fine. You win.”

“At which point would you know if you’ve fallen out of love?” It was like a test. Questions after questions were given to him without warning. He had no idea. All he knew was that somewhere along the way, what was once his endearing stubbornness became an immaturity that was unbearable for his partner. What was once their usual banter became something irritating that one had to walk out on the other to calm his nerves. Love became a burden. It clung to them like leech and demanded to be felt.

What was falling “out of love” like? He didn’t know. Because he still is.

“I swear to god I just placed it here.”
“What are you muttering about over there?”
“Hm? Did you touch my things again?”
“It’s over by that shelf.”
“What? Is everything okay? It should be there.”
“Ah, no—it’s nothing.”

The words spoken were harsh and painful like the cold biting into his skin during winter. They were etched in his mind and any amount of alcohol could not drown the memory of that night. He took another sip of his beer, losing count of how many cans he’s drank at this point. He wanted to drink his heart out and hope that in the next morning, he’d wake up with amnesia and forget about it all.

“Nino, calm down for a moment. Let’s talk this out.”
“Are we okay?”
“I don’t know. I…”
“I’m tired, Jun-kun. I can’t find—I can’t find the love that was there before. I tried. I tried so hard. But we’ve changed. I can’t…I can’t find the person that I fell in love with. This feels like a responsibility more than it is love.”

It was a wonder how the reasons why a person fell in love were also the reasons why the fell out of love. What is love exactly?

It was his perfectionist personality and his attention to every detail. It was his stubbornness in doing the things that he wanted to do. It was his stoic way of doing things while making sure that he was the best version of himself. It was his weird habit of talking to himself. It was the way he wore his clothes and the way he presented himself in it.


“I’m sorry. Thank you for everything.”

He gripped his hands tightly into a ball of fists again, wanting to punch himself for being stupid. He should have held onto Nino’s hand as tightly as he could—never let him go. But he didn’t. Jun hated that he was stoic. He hated that his emotions were too controlled to fight for what he thought. He hated that in crucial times—in times when he needed to be more aggressive—he shuts down all his emotions and just let everything unfold.

He didn’t even cry.

Another pack of beer down his throat and he could feel his head throbbing with pain. Jun looked around the now empty living room of his apartment. It was just how it was like before Nino moved in with him. He remembered how Nino barged into his life and into his home. It was like a rush of events happening one after the other—never a dull moment with that man. They’d play games, watch TV shows together, argue over games or shows. The memories came flooding back bit by bit as he looked around his quiet room.

Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, he dropped his guard down. With trembling lips, he closed his tear-filled eyes, letting the tears run down his cheeks. He was too tired to care, too hurt to move. He held his head in his hands and curled up into a ball, wanting more than anything to fade out of existence. He hated that he could see that bright smile in his mind, the smile that once warmed his heart but now tightly gripped it that made him want to pass out.

He hated that it hurt so much.

But at that moment, he understood. No matter how painful, he understood what love is.

Love is a choice.

He chose to believe that they could work it out. He chose to believe that Nino could see the Jun that he once fell in love with. The Jun that was cute and endearing in his eyes despite all his faults and flaws. The Jun that was with him all the time but more importantly, the Jun that loved him.

Love is a choice.

And Nino chose not to.

A/N: First of all, this was inspired by some songs and a post that I saw on tumblr that I can't find anymore. T^T It was such a good post, I swear this is sadder in my mind but I hope I got the feeling across. I hope that made your heart feel heavy as much as it did mine. Sometimes, words doesn't give justice to the thoughts / ideas in my mind. English is hard, man. Anyway, first Matsumiya and I'm hurting them already. At least I found the courage to hurt my one true love (because I always hurt Nino lol). JUN-KUN COME HERE LET ME LOVE YOUUUU. Ah btw, thanks for reading! :)
Date: 2015-11-03 03:45 pm (UTC)

leiva21: (Default)
From: [personal profile] leiva21
uwaaa why must it ends in sadness T-T
My matsumiya heart hurts -_-
But thanks for sharing!
Date: 2015-11-03 11:38 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Hey! Thanks for reading and commenting too! :)
Date: 2015-11-03 07:38 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]

Waaaaaah. You TOTALLY have your feelings across. It is so sad! So melancholic. No, nor really melancholic, but I can't find the right word. It seems so irreversible! TnT
but in the same time, it's a beautilly written story ;-) thank you for sharing!

Date: 2015-11-03 11:45 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Man, thanks for saying that! It was really hard trying to write it down because words are hard. lol. Thanks so much! :)
Date: 2015-11-03 08:15 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
aww this is so sad it break my heart T^T
why your matsumiya is broken?? T^T
still it was beautifully written <3
Date: 2015-11-03 11:45 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much! :)
Date: 2015-11-03 11:26 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]

oh you know you love this little piece of shit that is called me. :P

IT'S FINALLY HEEEERE!! after weeks (months?) of nagging you about it, IT IS HEEEEERE!!!

First, thank you for not hurting my bb (like you always do but you know I still love you).

Two, WHYYY? WHYYY MUST YOU DO THIS??? I can totally imagine the actual thing happening while もう君がいない is playing in the background. damn our imaginations, right?

Three, I thank you for making my day. Thank you for supplying the angst my heart is longing for. chararat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA pero di ako masyadong nasaktan. siguro kasi hindi si Nino ung nasa receiving end nung pain? hahaha

Four, ang sakit nung 'WAS.' Damn past tense. Makes everything hurt more.

Five, thanks for this. I LOVE YOUUUU. More angst in the future, please? hahahahaha :*

Date: 2015-11-03 11:36 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
First of all, I hate you.
Second of all, I hate you.
Third of all, I still hate you.

Look at what you made me do!!! I never. EVER. hurt my Jun-kun. T^T

I hate you so much.

Next time si Nino promise. Naka-ready yung fic na yun, just waiting to be improved. Screencap ko pa yung 7 pages para sayo lololol. Muahahahahahaha.
Date: 2015-11-04 04:55 am (UTC)

jheili: (Default)
From: [personal profile] jheili
Date: 2015-11-04 06:40 am (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
I don't know. I don't know and I'm sorry. T^T

This hurts me too. Juuuuun~ T_____T
Date: 2015-11-04 12:37 pm (UTC)

jheili: (Default)
From: [personal profile] jheili

*inserts OHNO here* <3
Date: 2015-11-04 11:12 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
I should Juntoshi soon. Damn. Babies need lots of love. Haha!
Date: 2015-11-04 03:29 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Awwww~ Neens. He wasn't wrong, but he wasn't right either. He was a bunch of insecurities of 'if's that had turned out differently. And jun-chan seems so hurt~~

Date: 2015-11-04 11:11 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
He really is. Super hurt. Also the writer is also extremely hurt. </3
Date: 2015-11-05 02:40 am (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Nande~~~? Anyway, I am sure you wouldn't hurt so bad once I'm in Japan with... and you SOOOOO know why right? LOL.
Date: 2015-11-05 01:49 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Yessss. <3 I will love you forever. Haha!
Date: 2015-11-05 04:23 am (UTC)

From: [identity profile]

And here's me hoping they find their way each other.

Thank you for this <3 Xx
Date: 2015-11-05 01:50 pm (UTC)

From: [identity profile]
Sorry for the sad ending, hope you liked it a bit :D Thanks for reading and commenting! :D


✰ I'm Cess. Philippines. Nice to meet you. Message me anytime! ✰

Arashi is currently my life and everything they do is dumb but I love them anyway. ♡



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